Because it’s in retrograde

I’m guilty of blaming small misfortunes on Mercury. “Oh, well you know, Mercury is in retrograde.” And everyone around you nods because it just makes so much sense to blame your email crash on the alignment of the planets. “Ohhhh yeahhh, that’s totally it.”

WHAT? What does that even mean?

So I did what any girl looking for answers does: I Googled it.

Susan Miller (supreme master of astrology) says: Mercury is a planet which governs all transportation and communication issues. Mercury is not an emotional planet, but rather a highly objective, truth-seeking one. It rules intelligence, education and truth. When it is in retrograde, some of its power is held back.

When Mercury starts turning in an apparent backward motion, we will start to feel the effects of this event days or even as far as two weeks earlier. When the planet normalizes we will see the tempo of events pick up in our lives as the planet becomes “stationary” and then speeds forward.


She goes on to list all of the things that are likely to happen when Mercury is in retrograde, for example: you’ll get dumped, get a bad haircut, purchase a shitty car, your garbage disposal will break, if you are adopted you might find your birth parents, long lost mail will arrive but your email will crash, etc.

All sorts of things go down. YOU CAN BLAME ANYTHING ON MERCURY IN RETROGRADE. So I’ve made a list of events in my life that I’m chalking up to Mercury and it’s making me feel a lot better.

1. That time I shipped a box of French Vogues from Italy to Minnesota. They didn’t show up for months. But then one day, they did. Mercury in retrograde.

2. That time I ombred my hair. Mercury in retrograde.

3. That time I cried when I met Josh Hartnett. Mercury in retrograde.

4. That time I broke my toe and had to wear a velcro boot. I had to wear the boot when I went backstage at the Victoria Secret Fashion Show and I’ve never felt worse about myself then when standing next to Adriana Lima… in a velcro boot. Mercury in retrograde.

5. That time I tried to buy Britney Spears tickets and the concert sold out in 7 minutes and I cried for an entire day. Mercury in retrograde.

6. Every time I have lipstick on my teeth. Mercury in retrograde.

What do you think about Mercury? Can it take credit for all of the above?