Amy-Laurent-Perfect-Match-Garance-Dore

10 months ago by

As a lover of love, I have about a million questions on the subject, and since it’s Valentine’s Day this weekend I decided to distill them down and take them to a love expert. After over ten years in the business of love, Amy Laurent is one of the most successful matchmakers in the States. She’s all about cultivating genuine love with a work hard and don’t settle approach. I learned so much from her, and hope you do too!

Wishing you a Happy Valentine’s Day from all of us at the studio! Now, over to Amy…

Matchmaking is a niche career path! Has it always been innate for you, or did you fall in love with love?

It was innate because I’ve always been somewhat of a connector. So it’s not the story of when I was in kindergarten I put together a couple that are now married – the whole cliché, that’s not it. It happened more accidentally, but there are no accidents. My whole life I’ve been inquisitive about really understanding people and what makes people tick. And I have always loved connecting people: whether it be friends, networking for jobs, or for love. It’s these elements that somewhat led me to fall into this career.

 

What do you think are the ingredients to a successful relationship?

Working with men and women day in and day out for eleven years now (January 5th was my eleven year anniversary) you get to see a lot… You see the mistakes and the things that people do right. You see the formulas that make a relationship succeed or end. I would say the number one thing is communication. If you are with someone who isn’t a good communicator, more often than not you see the death of that relationship.

 

It’s very important for people to actually listen to their partner. People often think that they are listening and – you know what – they’re really not! To truly listen, we must consider: Ok, I may not agree with this right now, but let me truly take it in. That is so key.

 

 

I believe there is something to be said about love at first sight, but I hesitate to tell people to use that as a barometer, because some of the best relationships of true soul mates do not happen that way. It has certainly never happened for me personally!

Do you believe in love at first sight?

I believe there is something to be said about love at first sight, but I hesitate to tell people to use that as a barometer, because some of the best relationships of true soul mates do not happen that way. It has certainly never happened for me personally!

 

In your opinion, is there a moment when someone can say that their partner is the one?

You know, every situation is different and there are no absolutes. There is no benchmark, but I would certainly note that anyone with a goal of finding their soulmate and getting married should really sway themselves away from relationships where early on there are signs that maybe your partner is not in the same place as you. If your goal is to get married – if you’re ready, and the other person is just not, for whatever reason, obviously if it goes too long then that’s way over the benchmark. You see these women or men with the goal of marriage, who are with someone for five or six years… But otherwise, there is no hard and fast rule on it.

Is there a type of person that’s the hardest to match?

Oh, yes. There are several key challenges with certain personalities. This industry brings a plethora of different types of people with different types of personalities, and we all have our own obstacles. My job isn’t about working with the easiest, and or “perfect” client who has no issues or no personality quirks. That is why I love my job. The biggest challenge for me are people with a fear of rejection. It’s hard for them (it’s hard for anybody!) to take criticism, but it’s something we learn over time. It takes a very confident and brave person to say: you know what, I want to hear this.

Then there are the overly analytical types. I have had clients that are in the top of their industry, extremely established, and it’s a very tricky thing to help them overcome a tendency that works extremely well in their business. You have to approach it in a very thoughtful way if you’re going to get someone to respond well.

And then, of course, we all know people who say they want to be in a relationship. They’ll tell you – I’m ready, I’m ready for love, I want it – then you start working with them and realize they’re complete commitment-phoebes! People that want a relationship but they’re actually fearful of getting close with one particular person because they haven’t in so long. They’ve just “dated” to make themselves pat themselves on the back and say: I’m doing it, I’m dating. Anyone can go out on a first date – good for you, that’s fantastic – but you know what I want to see? I want to see you connect with someone, be vulnerable with someone, and be brave enough to get to a fourth and fifth date. Let’s see that. Then I’m going to be really impressed!

 

So, have you ever been asked the impossible by a client?

Yes. And I’ve done a pretty good job over the years of noticing this before I decide to work with someone. I’ve had people come in with unbelievably long and restrictive laundry lists. Again, these things might work in business but, let me ask you: if you find your soulmate, will you really care if they are two inches shorter than what you wrote on paper? Or if they don’t have blue eyes? I can work with restrictive laundry lists to a point, but let’s get real and find out what your actual deal breakers are. You have to get realistic.

 

For those looking for love, what’s the ultimate piece of advice you have?

For people who are looking for love, my main advice is: don’t approach dating focused on your loneliness or your desire to be in a relationship. The number one mistake people who are looking for genuine lasting love make is in their pacing. People have to sharpen their skills of how to screen. Meaning, how to be open, how to get to know someone, and how to not jump to decisions too early on. You have to get to know this person: do they have the same values, the same goals, are they going to be a good fit as far as communication, how do they talk about their exes, are they in a good place to even be open…?

We forget about all this screening because, early on, we focus on what feels good and we want things to work, so we skip that screening part. Avoid wasting time and heartbreak over things that in the beginning were clearly not going to work out.

If someone is already in a committed relationship, what’s your advice for taking it to the next level?

It has to be communication. If you’re doing the pre-screening of early dating, ask some questions. They don’t have to be pointed questions, but in the first month or two ask the right questions that give you a sense of what their goals are. It shouldn’t be a big question mark.

 

In your world, is the goal of a relationship always a wedding?

Not at the early stages. I find that most of the clients that I work with, initially their goal is: yes, long term I’d love to meet the right person, have a fabulous relationship, feel confident in that relationship, and ultimately get married with the right person. But you should never go into the dating process and, getting to know someone, approach it like an interview for marriage. You have to let things happen naturally, and that goes back to the pre-screening. But, of course, if you get to know someone for six months, and there are some really core things that are bothering you, you can’t ignore those things. Be honest with yourself even though it’s hard and things are going well and you want it to work.

So, it’s like a two step goal.

 

Is there a match that you’re most proud of?

Anyone that has gotten engaged, married, or into a serious, happy relationship – I’m proud of them all equally. And it thrills me. People have had children… I could not pick one that makes the top of the list. Each and every success like that, and to see people happy, makes me happy equally.

 

 

 

They don’t have to be pointed questions, but in the first month or two ask the right questions that give you a sense of what their goals are. It shouldn’t be a big question mark.

Are you in a relationship? And do you date by the professional codes that you have established for your business?

Well, that’s an interesting question… I’ve recently come out of a relationship. And, what was really interesting was going through my own breakup is that, for some reason, at the end of this summer so many relationships broke up at the same time. I’ve had clients calling me. I’ve had girlfriends calling me. I even had a woman at the gym that is a casual acquaintance reach out to me for advice. I was probably on the phone several hours a day talking to various people over their breakup, giving them advice on how to get through the breakup because it was really tough for some people.

One thing I cannot stand about “dating experts” or “matchmaking experts,” and I think why clients like me and choose to work with me and trust my advice, is that I’m smart enough to know that just because you’re the expert does not make you perfect. Any expert out there that will tell you that! I’m going to give you all the advice I have, and that’s my pride and joy, but I have to admit when it’s much easier for me to do that and think clearly for someone who’s clouded in a situation than going through my own breakup. Of course it is tough when it’s you that’s involved. So, I almost have to chuckle at myself during my own heartbreak. I thought, “my god, I need someone to be telling me this right now, because this feels horrible.”

 

So what are your thoughts on dating apps?

I’m not someone who is negative or dismissive of people using dating apps. First of all, not everyone can afford a personal matchmaker. And there are plenty of people who have found successful relationships from them. What you get from it is what you put into them, and how smart you are in your approach. Use the apps in the right way and you avoid a lot of wasted time. If you want to be serious, focus on the quality.

 

And do you believe in monogamy for life?

Well, to blanket everyone under one umbrella, I would never do. I’m smart enough to know that there are no absolutes and there are people in life, that clearly it’s not for them. And many couples are okay with that.

People mistake “soulmate” and “life partner” because they get blinded by the sexual bond, blinded by the sexual chemistry. People forget to keep in mind that looks fade. I always tell people that even Brad Pitt rolls over some days and sees Angelina, and he’s over it! So there has to be SO much more going on.

I do believe in monogamy. I do support it. But, at the same time, both of the people have to be truly in it. It’s tough! Things get tough! And it’s not just the men who get tired of it, it’s the women too. It’s human nature. Things aren’t going to be exciting all the time, so as long as people are not delusional about it…

 

Finally, what’s the greatest lesson of love you’ve learned along the way?

The biggest lesson has been compromise. And compromise for fighting for those things that are worth it. To be selfless because you love a person, even if loving them means breaking up with them – that’s genuine love.

———————-

Favorite ever love quote: “If a thing loves, it is infinite.” – William Blake … swoon!

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25 comments

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  • We need everything in life ….even a matchmaker :)
    but what we need most of all is some magic…and First we have to believe ,Second we have to be open mind for that ….Third we need to take our eyes from our computer and i phone…. and look around…because this is something we all forget to do from time to time….Love is everywhere and our chance to find it is everywhere…we just need to open our eyes….
    From The World With Love
    Yael Guetta
    http://www.ftwwl.com

  • Lovely words! Love the last quotation! <3
    Xxx

    Julie, Petite and So What?

  • Great read. I don’t think I disagreed with anything. Communication is major and making sure you’re on the same page if you’re considering a partner for life.

    http://www.dressupchowdown.com

  • Lisa Walker February, 12 2016, 11:44 / Reply

    You can’t imagine how happy I was to wake up to this, this morning! Great timing! You always bring it. The questions were great and the answers fantastic. Thank you!

  • Interesting interview, thanks for sharing x

    http://www.wonkylauren.com

  • Great article! You are amazing at your job! xx

  • Cool, so does she work with ‘twenty-somethings’? :)

  • Such a great interview, Amy! I absolutely agree with what you said about communication and compromise!

  • Wanted to give some LUV to the translators of this blog, for making such nuanced words and subjects and emotions captured so eloquently in English and French, jour par jour. I love learning new phrases and don’t know where else I would never have learned the word “entremetteuse.” Along with reading about so many versatile subjects, little vocabulary gems like this make the content even more captivating as a language lover and learner. Merci mille fois for your hard work!!!

  • Anonymous February, 12 2016, 2:33 / Reply

    I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. – Rita Rudner

    By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
    -Socrates

    Love me or hate me, both are in my favor. If you love me, I’ll always be in your heart. If you hate me I’ll always be in your mind. -Shakespeare

    I love thee with a love that shall not die, till the sun grows cold, and the stars grow old. -Shakespeare

  • It’s true that communication and compromise are key, and I’d also suggest keeping some activities of your own when you’re in a couple as it’s healthy to have a bit of time apart

  • Je viens d’écrire un post sur 10 raisons de détester la Saint-Valentin… Mais cette interview me donnerait presque envie d’y croire à nouveau ;-)

  • Amy,

    No wonder you are the world’s best match maker. You are so professional, dedicated and beautiful inside out. Thank you for everything.

  • L’amour bien sur, mais on a oublie de mentionner l’humour. Il en faut une bonne dose pour pouvoir vivre a deux (ou a plusieurs !) :-)

  • Great article for us singles! It reminds us that while dating is sometimes challenging, “You have to approach it in a very thoughtful way if you’re going to get someone to respond well.” I really enjoyed reading this article – well said Amy!

  • Merci pour cette belle interview. Amy est une belle personne on dirait. Le plus dur pour moi dans ce domaine est d’accepter qu’on ne contrôle pas grand chose malgré tout ses efforts…

  • What a great interview! Thank you so much for all the great questions asked and the wise, honest and helpful answers. It’s so good to be reminded about communication, compromise and confidence too within a relationship. I have been alone now for nearly 5 and a half years following the end of a 9 year relationship I thought would last forever.
    It has taken me a long time to get to know myself again and to be clear about what I want and I just hope I can fit in to a relationship again as I would so love to share my life with someone but have got used to doing so much alone! Compromise and communication are the keys :).

  • This interview is so unique and thoughtful ! Amy seems nothing like a crazy cliché matchmaker, she actually sounds very wise !
    https://stylishwishes.wordpress.com/2016/02/11/how-to-experiment-with-your-style/

  • Thank you for this article, it’s so refreshing to read some thoughtful advice about relationship creation. Very inspiring <3

  • Thank you for your comments here! I also welcome any questions from you, and want to wish for everyone the gift of LOVE today and every day! Happy Valentine’s Day to all! <3
    XOXO Amy

  • Lovely interview. Very inspiring :)

  • I loved the article, but had to re-read it in English, because some parts were really badly translated in the French part (they didn’t have the same meaning) and difficult to read.

  • Hi Irene,

    Thank you for bringing this to our attention! We will be sure to make revisions with our translator.
    x Emily