I just signed up for yoga again. Yep!
This has to be the 36th time I’ve stopped and started again.
It’s always the same thing. I get super motivated…
The teachers get on my nerves with their questionable life philosophies and the students get to me to with their devoted auras and their “I’m so much more zen than you” attitudes but I just decide to roll with it.
Each time, I feel terribly out of shape, non-flexible (I’m the girl in the back with like 7 blocks), non-focused and non-resistant.
I get so bored so fast that I end up awkwardly careening my neck around to stare at the clock every three minutes. I can’t do wheel or dog or pigeon or other bird-name positions.
I get better. Then I get worse. I stop for a while and then get totally into it again. And then one day, I get fed up enough to say “I’ve had it!” to all the spiritual woo woo and get back to simple exercise.
Which works for a few months until… I suddenly get the urge to go back to yoga.
It’s been going on like this for years. It’s so funny, this vicious cycle… I always come back to it. I’ve never found a form of exercise that soothing and that beautiful, and that has taught me as much as yoga has.
Thanks to yoga, I learned focus. I also learned how to let go, the pleasure of feeling my mind and body become one (for a few seconds at least…), I learned to stop being so caught up in outside forces. I learned to breathe, and through that, release whatever fears and insecurities I have, and so many other things that have nothing to do with exercise.
So I’ve come to accept that I’ll be the eternal beginner.
I mean, little by little, this discipline has found its way into my heart and without realizing it, yoga has become part of my personality. It’s given me a strength and mental flexibility of which I never would have thought myself capable.
You don’t need to be a bona fide yogi for any of this (although I can’t tell you how proud I was the first time I held a crow pose). You don’t need to be good. Relaxing isn’t it?
You don’t need anything actually.
Just go to class, turn off your cell phone, try to quiet some of the constant mental jabber, and do your best.
Just be present, like all the yoga teachers say.
Soooooooo annoying, dammit, I know.
But sometimes, when I actually am able to leave my cynicism at the door (with my cell phone), it’s so so so so so incredibly rewarding.