Okay, you’ve got to help me with this.

So yesterday morning, I get up, jump on my computer to see the Oscar dresses and here’s what I feel: Nothing.

I would have loved to do a little funny piece à la Fug Girls on the looks that totally worked and those which fell short, but not only am I not the Fashion Police, but really, I just don’t understand the whole long dress thing.

I guess it just seems like most of the time, the Oscars are the antithesis of cool.

It’s as if the concept of cool disappears as soon as a red carpet rolls out.
It’s like cool is completely paralyzed by all the camera flashes and Joan Rivers, hiding behind pounds of paint, super complicated draping, and the monotony of the obligatory mix of peep toe / long dress. And glittery body powder.

That said, I love glamour ! And I know you can be glamorous AND cool at the same time. There are a few girls that prove it. Not tons though, ha. Don’t get carried away.

Diane Kruger is almost always perfect. Gwyneth Paltrow and even Sarah Jessica Parker, most of the time, I like what they have going on. Oh, and of course, the best is ALWAYS Cate Blanchett, my idol. Even when she’s falling on her face, it’s a beautiful fall.

But me, it’s like I can’t really put my finger on what I like and don’t. Let’s take a few actresses that I love and we’ll take a look at their Oscar outfits from Sunday…

Natalie Portman – The polka dots weren’t doing it for me… Oh yeah! And a looot of hair and big jewelry right?

Gwyneth Paltrow – Tom Ford made an exception to his rule of not dressing movie stars. Well, I’d make an exception too for Gwyneth. I still can’t decide if the cape was genius or terrible. I just know that Gwyneth always has the same air of comfort in a cocktail dress that she has in her yoga pants. And nothing is more sublime than that.

Michelle Williams – Cute! I would’ve ditched the clutch as too often you get the impression that a clutch is like a best friend to cling to. I think the short hair always helps to coolify a long dress as hairstyles on the red carpet are always so heavy and perfect they give me a headache.
I would have gotten rid of the little bow on the dress as well cause too much cuteness kills cuteness. But I like the necklace.

Jessica Chastain – Not a fan of the gold & black & red. Of course red ! You have to think of it : the red carpet is an integral part of every outfit!!! I think this girl is sublime but her hair could have been better, more edgy, less romantic. Would have helped the dress. No ?

Milla Jovovitch – Beautiful! But the whole old-school Hollywood thing, isn’t it a little bit too much?

Rose Byrne – Yeah, so I just dont’ know if I like it or not. Black hole. With sequins.

Angelina Jolie – I feel like at the last second, she got scared her dress was too black. Or that we would forget that she has a body. And legs (the leg?) of a goddess. So she did the weirdest pose that ruined everything… And made the buzz. Her leg started a Twitter account it was just so present around her. Other than that, it was pretty cute, right?

I do want to say a word to whomever took over the body of Cameron Diaz, please give her back, her and her hair.
And I think Rooney Mara could definitely be my best friend seeing as unorganized she is. I’ve heard she picked out her dress the morning of the ceremony. A fitting? What does that mean?
And J.Lo in her statue dress would make the perfect couple with the Oscar statue.

And finally! Congratulations to Jean Dujardin who besides making a clean sweep this year, seems to make the perfect couple with Alexandra Lamy.

And finally 2: For me, the most important is that the woman looks beautiful. If the first thing you think is “look how beautiful she is!!!” and not “What a great look!” you’ve already won a lot of points in my book.

So as you can see, I still have a lot to learn before becoming Joan Rivers. What did you all think of the red carpet? Who caught your eye? What did you think of the cape? And Rose Byrne?