Flashback. It was about 345 years ago that I told you, after following the advice of my dermatologist, I was going to stop using water on my face.

And this is coming from me who loves nothing more than to lather on my cleansers morning and night, clearing away any trace of mean mean sebum (Mean!!! Mean sebum!) which has been my sworn enemy since I turned 13 and a half years old. I was hopeless.

My dermatologist prescribed me three products. Just three. Morning and night.

“Not even an eye lotion?” I asked, terrified.
“Nope, not even that… Just these…”

Without further ado, here’s the list:

1/ The milk makeup remover Hydrabio Lait
2/ Avène’s Thermal Spring Water
3/ The moisturizing cream Ictyane H.D. “for severe dry skin.”

[ Yeah, I know.

Welcome to my depressing bathroom.

Really, the design on the packaging of pharmacy products makes me want to die.

While my dermatologist was writing her prescription, I was trying to come up with ways to repaint or redesign the ugly bottles or try to transfer them into my old Aesop containers which I still haven’t managed to get rid of because they’re just so pretty. I ended up internally voting for Muji bottles, minimalist and chic : totally Phoebe Philo approved.

I was starting to feel better.

When suddenly, I came back to reality : ]

“Severe dry skin?” Wait what?!!! I have combination skin!!! The fight of my life is trying to get my skin not to shine and you want me to use a special cream for “severe dry skin?!”

“Yes. Because your skin, when under attack, fights to stay hydrated and that results in shiny skin. But that doesn’t mean it’s actually hydrated. Stop using tap water, hydrate yourself as you should, and you’ll see.”

I love my dermatologist. She’s got tranquility equal to Yoda which she needs to combat my hysteric bursts. (She’s a lot prettier than Yoda though.)

One day, I’ll tell you how she responded when I asked her, “What would you think if I like, asked you what you think about if my skin will ever need botox or whatever thing you do in that practice of yours or something, like even if I never want to do it ever, cause seriously let’s be serious, but really, what would you say if I asked you your opinion just to get a good laugh ?”

(Yeah, she understood my question. That’s why I love her. Her response? A little less satisfying than I’d hoped looking back. I’ll tell you about it later.)

Ok, back to the flashback :

Since I’m so obedient, I started using all of it, mortified at the idea of having viscous skin on my face like a Peking duck. Gross. Yuck. Blah. Eeew.

But quite quickly, the shine started going down. My skin started to get more supple, clearer and even if it shined a little (it’s just how it is, so stupid.), it was at its healthiest… It looked pretty.

And plus I adore, I mean adore not using water! Well, just because I actually use water… but only the good water. Not bad tap (baaaad, bad tap !!!) And when I spray my Thermal Spring Water on my face, it’s a total beauty orgasm moment, like in the cheesiest L’Oréal ads.

Wooooouh, aaaaaaaaah… I’m worth it.

Epilogue : So all that said, I’m back in New York where it’s hard to find the exact same products. After looking for the same stuff at Séphora (bouh !) and Duane Reade, I ended up coming back to my fundamentals : I use the Caudalie gentle cleanser (I just love it)(and the packaging is way nicer), thermal spring WhichEverOneIFind and the Ictyane cream which you can find pretty easily here.

And voilà! Next time we can talk about my fantastic foundation.

Wow, I’m becoming like a beauty priestess or something.

Translation : Tim Sullivan